Tuesday, December 20, 2011

comfort zone

I think there's this curve that most people go through whenever they face changes.   At the beginning, a change can be exciting.  You see new things, everything is interesting.  But once the excitement died down, then comes resistance.  Panic mode, also known as the "what the hell" period in my dictionary.  It's the period where you feel like nothing is going your way.  But then you'll come to an acceptance.  You make things work for you somehow.  After that you kinda go into a plateau... enter... the comfort zone.

That's where I'm at right now.  I got myself a pretty nice routine of self indulgence and balancing mind and body.  It's sort of therapeutic... can't go wrong with the daily yoga, cardio, good food, good company, and the occasional full body massage, cream bath, facial, or shopping.

But there's something missing.  What happened to the part about my passion in baking??

I gotta admit, I absolutely am NOT in my comfort zone when it comes to baking here.  I feel like I dunno how to bake anymore.  Everything's so different and I feel so ... unable.  The biggest challenge is not even the lack of ingredients availability in my hometown, but the fact that it's just so darn hot most of the time.  I fear of turning on the oven.  Just the thought of it makes me sweat :-p.

But I did bake some.  There are so many traditional Indonesian sweets and snacks that I really wanted to learn how to make.  One of the things I really wanted to do before I came here was to bake with my mum.  So glad I finally had the chance to do it.  We made some cookies for the holidays. They are some of the most common "cookies" that are being sold around here, but they're definitely not like the typical american cookies.  When I think of cookies in the US, I immediately think simple and quick.  These cookies are neither simper nor quick.  They are quite labor intensive and some of them require a few days to prep (you gotta make the jam first, or your gotta prep the tapioca flour, etc).

Despite of being labor intensive, they are definitely lotsa fun to make.  And they're so worth the effort since they taste so darn goooooooddd.....

So... back to my comfort zone.  Nothing last forever.  Soon it would be time to move again.  Time for more changes.  But for now... imma enjoy my time here :).

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Committed is the follow up novel written by Elizabeth Gilbert after her best selling book Eat, Pray, Love. I enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love... so I figured, why not?  It seems out of place for me to be reading a book about marriage and commitment, given what I'm going through.

Two things I could say immediately after reading that book is that "boy, that lady sure knows how to talk (write) A LOT", and "boy, does she need a lot of convincing to get married!".  She wrote everything from the history of marriage, marriages in different cultures, marriage and autonomy, marriage statistics.... All that details to convince her that she's not making a mistake the second time around.

So what is it about marriages? In Indonesia, where people still like to follow the blueprint of life, a typical icebreaker questions would go something like this:
Question 1:  So where are you from?
Question 2:  What do you do there?
Question 3:  Do you have a kid/family there? [they will either say kid or family meaning a husband and a kid, not family as in your siblings].
Question 4: Wait, what, you don't have one yet?  But you are married right?
Question 5:  But how old are you?
And... you get the idea...  It doesn't always go that way, but usually the subject of marriage gets brought up very quickly in this country.  The typical blueprint in life goes from finishing high school, to college, to finding a significant other, to getting married, to buying a house, then to have a child... and then another child.

And how does that icebreaker work out for me?  Suffice to say, it's been interesting. Sometimes I decided to avoid the whole subject of separation altogether.  Figured it would be easier that way.  But then I get the "You have a candidate, no? Your clock is ticking, you should really consider starting a family soon".  Do'h! Can't win either way.

It's true though... once you're burned, you become paranoid to repeat the same thing again.  Who wants to endure all those pain and tears and emotions and all sorts of different kinds of crazies?? She also brought up an interesting fact in her book, that "divorce" is rank as the number 2 most stressful thing one might go through in life.  Number one being "death of a spouse".  It justified why I was feeling the way I was.   BUT.... perhaps it's part of being human that, despite all that, one still longs to find that special someone.  I find that stupid sometimes. But I can't resist it either.  Hence, I'm an idiot. Ha!

Perhaps some people are wired to enjoy life with their own company. But as for me... I still want that.  I want intimacy.  I want companionship.  I don't need someone to pay for my bill, to hold my hand as I cross the street, to make sure that I don't get the tiniest scratch or burn [hell, I love my burn marks. Proud of 'em.  Those are my marks of craftsmanship...kinda like tattoos for some people].  And on the other hand,  I for sure do NOT want to be a housewife.  No thank you.  Forgive me if I don't follow the blueprint in life, but I'm a very capable person and I have my own passion and dream to pursue.
But yeah,  in all honesty, I do want someone to share.  Not need, but want.  Like I mentioned earlier on my previous blog, traveling alone sucks ass.  The same goes for living.

Now the fear is if I could ever find that person, and even if I do meet some dazzling, charming person, would I ever be willing to open up again?  Shit happens and in some cases, it ruins you whole perspective for life.

Back to the book,  I guess I can kinda relate to her paranoia about the whole institution of marriage.  Wanting companionship doesn't equal wanting a marriage.  And not wanting a marriage doesn't equal not wanting a partner.  After what I've gone through (and what I'm still going through), I would think long and hard before I ever sign my name on any legal documentation that promises forever and ever.  No promise is guaranteed, just like everything else in life [except for death and taxes, that is :-p].

Friday, December 9, 2011

balancing body and mind


All the traveling is coming to a halt as it is nearing the holidays season. And even here in this tropical country where it's always hot and humid, the rain is starting to fall quite frequently (yet it is still hot and humid).  It's not impossible to travel in the rain, but it sure is inconvenience to have to hold an umbrella while you're trying to find direction or take pictures.

As soon as all the traveling stopped, I'm finding myself struggling with lots of emotional ups and downs yet again.  I'm always relying too much on external factors to bring me happiness.  I like to be busy, so being idle is kind of challenging.  I'm also realizing that having been in the US for so many years has greatly affected my personality.  For one, I was very independent there and had a lot of privacy (something that I had mistaken a lot of times with being "alone").  Unfortunately, being here, I have sadly became very dependent on others.  Even tho I know very well how to drive (as well as any Asian female can - don't go out while I drive, I fear for your safety :-p),  driving here in this country is a totally different story.  I fear for my life just trying to cross the street sometimes!  Trying to make your way between cars, motorbikes (coming from both direction, mind you), and other fellow pedestrians, while securely holding your belongings can be quite a challenging task for someone who is used to just crossing the street when the signal turns from the shape of a hand to a person walking.  It wasn't long till I experience homesickness.

But wait, how can you be homesick when you're in your own hometown?? And where is this home that I'm longing for anyway??  Such deep questions...

I constantly find myself in between the memories of the past and fantasies of the future.  Being in the present is not always that easy.  And how does one suppose to be living life to the fullest when you're always somewhere else but hardly ever in the present?  This is most apparent when there's little things to do.  When you're busy, it's easier to fake "being in the present", as often times you're not really in the "present" as your mind goes adrift thinking about things that needs to be done, or remembering things that had happened ("oooh that bagel that I ate for breakfast this morning was so good" or "I better remember to wash my socks tonight").  I want to be here.  I want to be in the now.  I don't want to depend on external factors of happiness to bring me happiness.

At the same time with all these emotional imbalances,  I was also feeling physically imbalanced.  Being used to be active, being idle isn't compromising so well with the body.  I feel achy from not having enough things to do.  Luckily the local gym offers yoga lessons everyday.  I started attending the classes, from twice a week, to three times a week, and now I'm going there pretty much everyday.  The more I do it, the more I'm finding myself becoming more and more me again.  I'm also slowly learning about meditation, something that I've always been fascinated about but never had the courage or the time (that's rather a lame excuse) to do it.

It feels good.  I feel better, stronger.  I'm still homesick.  But I don't think I'm homesick to a particular place, but mostly to a place that grants me the freedom to be independent again.

I started this travel because I "wanna find myself".  Someone I highly respected told me once that I shouldn't look too far.  He was right.  It's not the world that I should explore to find me.  I should've looked within myself.

But the traveling is quite nice too... :).

*oh, the picture isn't mine... just some random picture I found on the web ;)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

giving thanks

It’s Thanksgiving. It’s that time of year where you reflect upon your life and give thanks to those who make a difference in your life.  

It’s crazy how much my life has changed this past year.  Around the same time last year, I was busily making holiday pies with my coworkers and enjoying dinners and get together with my family and friends.  Oblivious.  It was so simple and peaceful.  It was just one year ago.

And now I’m here.  No turkey this year.  And I’m not baking any pies. But I’ve eaten plenty of good food.  I’ve seen more beauties in this world these past few months than I have ever did before.  I’ve become friends with people who truly cares about me, who helped me go through difficult times that I didn’t think I could go through.  I’m surrounded by family who I know loves me.

I don’t know if I’ve become a better person by now… or more mature… or maybe I’m still the same old me.  I’m still trying to figure that out.  I’m finding myself changing.  I’m liking things I didn’t use to care so much for… like shopping, and using make up, and pampering myself.  I don’t know if that’s who I truly am or if I’m just going toward the general direction that society is pushing me toward.  Maybe I was just so blinded that I forgot to become myself.  I used to always think in terms of “us”, never of “me”.  I was always afraid of hurting others that I let others hurt me.  I always thought of the future, that I forgot to enjoy my present.  Maybe this is who I truly am... No.  I think this is who I truly am.  I’m still confused most of the time.  I still get lost A LOT.  I’m still afraid.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop asking “why”.  But I’m always hopeful.  One step at a time.  Just like the title of my old blog.

So this year, I’m giving thanks to all of you who have been there for me…thru thick and thin.  I love you all.  Enjoy your turkey and stuffing and the pies, and always, always be thankful for what you have.  Life live to the fullest and never regrets.

And to end this post, here’s a quote from a movie I saw on my flight back from Hong Kong.  It’s actually a chick flick so it’s kinda cheesy, but it really hit the spot  ;-).

“Girls are told a lot of stuff growing up.  If a guy punches you, he likes you.  Never try to trim your own bangs, and someday… you’ll meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.

Every movie we see, every story we’re told, implores us to wait for it.  The third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.  But sometimes we are so focused on finding our happy ending, we don’t learn to read the signs…How to tell between the one that wants us from the ones who don’t …The ones who’ll stay from the ones who’ll leave.

And maybe, this happy ending doesn’t include a wonderful guy.  Maybe it’s you… on your own.  Picking up the pieces and starting over.  Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.

Maybe the happy ending is just…moving on. 

Or maybe, the happy ending is this…knowing that through all the unreturned calls and the broken heart, through all the blunders and misread signals, through all the pains and embarrassment… You never… ever… gave up hope.” 

–He’s Just Not That Into You.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

if i were a boy...

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to travel around if I were a guy....

It seems like in some countries, it's more risky for girls to be traveling alone.  Especially in parts of Indonesia... when I first arrived in Indonesia, I thought it would be so awesome to do a Java overland tour. Sadly, it turns out that Indonesian are not that into traveling within their own country, despite of the massive beauty that the country possesses. So not that many local tours are actually actively running.  If I were a guy, I could possibly just hire a guide/driver, rent a car, and still do the overland trip.  But as a girl, it is so very dangerous to do that...

Not that it matters anymore... because I realized that, honestly, traveling solo SUCKS ASS!!  It is sooo much more fun to be traveling with other people.  You get to share your experience with others, you get to laugh together, or you get lost together... in the end, it's simply more fun to travel with somebody else.

So, a travel buddy is wanted!! I need to find someone who wants to travel like me... it would be so awesome if I can find one...  is there anybody out there who's unemployed, unattached,  laid back, loves food and beautiful scenery, and wanna just go traveling out and about South East Asia and Australia?? But you gotta pay for your own cost!! hahahaha... If qualified, contact me! ;-p

Anyway, enough with my random thoughts.  It's my last night in Hong Kong.... my feet are sore, my back aches, my nose runny.... but I really wish I could stay longer!!!

Despite of the reputation that people in Hong Kong are rude, I actually had the most pleasant experience.  The city is so nice.  It's public transportation is awesome; almost as good as Japan's.  Food is yummy.  And most importantly, it's considerably clean! It's all good in the hood :-p... will definitely go back here again if I get a chance to.

So, in conclusion, if I were a boy, I would be wishing that I was a girl.  Cuz who run the world? Girls!!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

the tired traveler

Hong Kong.  4:33pm.  I'm sitting on the bed in my hotel room, and I am freakin exhausted!!  :-p

Hahaha who's smart idea was it to travel to two places back to back?? oh wait... that would be me.

But who cares if I'm tired??  This is freakin fun!!

I was in Jogyakarta for a couple of days, and it simply wasn't enough time.  There were so many things to see and so many food to eat.  I definitely would want to go back there again someday.

 *candi prambanan (prambanan temple) - jogyakarta*

*candi borobudur (borobudur temple) - jogyakarta*

I flew to Hong Kong the next morning, after a delayed return flight to Indonesia.  I was exhausted right from the beginning of this Hong Kong trip.  But so far, I am enjoying Hong Kong!  It's kinda similar to Japan in many ways, except for the culture.  Cantonese seems to be much louder and when they talk I always feel like they're yelling and screaming.

Anyways,  I need to really start getting this blog up to date somehow. I'll make it happen some day ;).

*giant buddha statue - ngong ping, HK*

Meanwhile, I gotta enjoy these next couple of days in HK. Cuz after that I'll be stationary in Indonesia until I move on to my next destination in mid January :).

Monday, November 14, 2011

Island of the Gods

Finally!  I've finally visited Bali, the Island of the Gods.

As an Indonesian born, I always get asked, every time I mentioned that I was born in Indonesia, on whether or not I have visited Bali.  I always answered, somewhat embarrassedly, that I have not. It's like having never visited something right next door... well in reality, it really isn't that close :-p.

Bali has always been on the top of my travel destinations, along with Australia and Japan.  I'm so glad that I finally got the chance to see it.  I went with my parents; we were debating for quite a while on whether or not to join a tour.  We opted to join a tour for convenience reasons, but the next time I go there again, I'd definitely NOT use a tour.

Bali is indeed beautiful.  Unfortunately, I think it's been over-exposed for tourism.  So many tall buildings (mostly hotels) are blocking the views to the beaches.  Many hotels own their own private beach... which I think is kinda sad because beaches should be something for everyone to enjoy, not just the people staying at those particular hotels. Also, sadly, the "puras" (Hindu temples), that really made Bali known as the Island of the Gods, aren't really being taken care of that thoroughly :(.

Despite of the plan of "renting a house and staying in Bali for a whole month", I ended up only staying there for five days.  It's good enough to get a taste, and decide which area of Bali I would visit again.  There's so many different things that will definitely fit into anyone's travel interests.  There's the beaches, of course.  And the night live if you're into that.  Oh and the FOOD!  Oh glorious food. You can't go wrong with food in Indonesia.  Or the serene and tranquil temples and puras, which apparently is more of my style ;-).

 *the beach at the back of the hotel we're staying at*

 *Uluwatu Temples - where the wild monkeys would steal your belongings if you're not careful*

 *Tanah Lot - my fav*

*the Rice Terrace - where the scene on Eat, Pray, Love was taken*

Bali deserves more than just one post, but I gotta go... Gotta pack for my next trip to... Jogyakarta.

So till then.... toodles!

Monday, October 31, 2011

The best skin care product from mother nature

The last few months I spent in the US, I was massively attacked by fleas.  Not that I was camping or anything, but the house that I was living in was having fleas that were so resilient.  As the result, I ended up with hundreds... I mean hundreds of bites all over my body.  I took meds, but nothing helped.  Even after months, the bites were still itching!

Few weeks ago, I went to Bandung with my mum and dad.  We visited Kawah Putih (White Crater).  It's a crater lake formed around a volcano... the view was gorgeous.

We've all heard about the benefit of sulfur for skincare.  So my dad and I took some of the sulfur around the lake back home.

It is simply amazing!  I rubbed it directly on my skin, and the itchiness subsides!  Some bite marks just simply started to fade away.  I'm so excited.  Nature is simply amazing!


Then we stopped by at another lake, called Situ Patenggang.  There's a local folk story about a prince and a princess that were in love but got separated.  They were reunited around this lake.  And the spot where they got reunited became famous and known as lokasi batu cinta or "location of the love rock".  Tho there's so many rocks that I couldn't figure out which one is the love rock.....

"At the bottom of mount Patuha, where the weather is nice and the view gorgeous, there's a lake that tells a story about two beings that have been separated for a long while (Prince Santang and Princess Rengganis).  Because their love is so deep, they were finally reunited at a spot that is now known as the "love rock".  This rock became the silent witness of their reunited love."

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Bogor Botanical Garden

Kebun Raya Bogor, a beautiful gem in the middle of the busy and crowded Bogor.  It's the house of the "bunga bangkai" or Amorphophallus titanium.  Bunga Bangkai literally translated to dead flower.  Supposedly it feeds from live insects that fly around it.  It's not blooming this time around... but there are lots of other lovely flowers there.  Especially in the orchid garden.

Oh... there are also lotsa butterflies.  After all... it is a botanical garden in the middle of of a tropical country :).  Despite of having entered the rainforest exhibit at the Cal Academy of Sciences,  I have not yet conquered my phobia of butterflies... :-p.  There were the occasional squealing and running away from butterflies...

"I'm on crutches" 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Baker, not a Writer ^_^

Okay... I've been bad in updating this blog again ^_^.

I thought now that I have no job, I would have more time to keep this blog up to date.  One tiny little detail.. internet connection here sux!! hahah Well it's not that bad...  I'm just making excuses. :)

As of tomorrow, I would have been here for ONE MONTH!! I can't believe it.  Time really does fly!   I had a hard time adjusting to the lifestyle here.  Major cultural shock after not having set foot in this country for ten years or so.  I'm starting to get used to things by now.  So far I've ate a lot of good stuff, experienced many interesting things... like a fire at a house a few blocks down the road, hail, pouring rain with thunder that shook the ground, and got sick.  I've also been baking a lot with my mum and my aunt.  Finally joined a gym cuz I feel like my pants are getting tighter and tighter.

Speaking of being sick... people always say that anyone who comes back from the States to Indonesia will definitely get sick from eating the food.  I didn't get any sickness when I first got here.  Only until three or four weeks later I finally got what Indonesian called "masuk angin".  Literally translated, it means that the wind has entered your body and caused a wreckage in your system... masuk = enter, wind = angin.  It's a really weird type of "sickness" as the symptoms could be anything from a simple headache, body ache, to fever, throwing up, diarrhea, etc.  Typically you'll also be burping a lot!  That signifies the wind trying to exit your body.  The most common thing people do to cure this "sickness" is to "kerokin" your back...  Basically, you would use a coin and some cream to scratch your back until it's red or even black. Supposedly, that way the wind can exit your body more easily.  Dunno if I really believe in this.... but I really did burp a lot!  And despite of the fact that I didn't like being scratched on my back till it's bruised, somehow I felt a lot better after my mum kerokin me.  Maybe it's the love hahaha...

Anyway... now my mum's turn to get "masuk angin". My turn to give her some lovin'!!

Monday, September 26, 2011

caffeinated sleepy head

Eeerrr.... what time is it? My internal clock is so f**in messed up right now. Hahaha Should I be sleepy? Hungry? Awake?? All I know that I have two hours to kill before my next flight to Jakarta :).  Thank goodness for my mbp and free airport wifi :).

@Changi Airport chugging on more sbucks :)

Was watching Kung Fu Panda on the plane earlier.  There must be some very talented people writing that movie.  It's supposed to be kids movie, but it always has such deep meanings (both the first and the second).
Your story might not have such a happy beginning.  
But that doesn't make you who you are.  
It is the rest of your story.  Who you choose to be.  
So, who are you [panda]?

It's like they're talking to me!!! I'm no panda, but I agree that you are who you make yourself to be.

To tell you the truth, I'm quite nervous about going back to Indonesia.  The purpose of this trip is to look for home.  But I keep feeling like I just left home.  I know for sure that I won't feel home in Indonesia; I'm only going there to see my parents and relatives.  Maybe that's why I'm so nervous about going back there.   Heck I'm overthinking stuff again (as always).  Being in the "now" is so difficult.  Much much easier to remembering the past or dreaming about the future :).

 beautiful sun rise on flight SFO-HK

Hmm..  I think the caffeinated sleepy head is starting to get delusional.... hahaha


Landed safely in Hong Kong!! The flight from SFO to HK was quite smooth.   I sat next to a lovely couple from Orange County who's on their way to Hong Kong, Bali, and Singapore.  The flight didn't feel long at all.  I actually have lost the sense of time right now hahaha.  I don't really know if I should be awake or sleepy.  The food on the plane was mediocre to say the least... but that's what you get with airplane food :)

Anyway, taking advantage of free wifi at the airport and just a quick update before I have to go back on board!!

flying solo

This is it!!!

It's finally happening.  I can't believe it!!  For months and months I've been staring on airplanes every time I passed by SFO, thinking when will I be in one of those planes.  And now I'm here. All checked in and waiting for boarding.

I have to say... the past week was quite crazy.  Whose smart idea was it to throw a party a day before departure?? Wait.. that would be me... Yea....seems like a great idea at first.  But between packing 11 years worth of stuff, selling car, prepping for party, and tying up all loose ends.... it got a bit out of control :-P.  Everything worked out quite nicely actually....  I think I got everything done as much as I could.  I'm glad I get a chance to meet all my wonderful family and friends before I leave.  I'm not rich financially, but I'm truly rich when it comes to my loved ones.  I have the greatest family and friends who are always there for me!

It's weird how sometimes you don't realize how wonderful things around you are until you're about to leave.  I've been so wrapped up with so many things that I didn't notice how beautiful the bay area is.  I'm going to definitely miss the bay area weather, the great food, and my favorite... the beautiful blue skies.  Hope the hot and humid weather in Indo won't be too torturous :-P.  Hey, at least there won't be fleas there!!!! (but there will be mosquitos haha). Lesson of the day: always, always, always count your blessings ;-).

Anyway... this is just a quickie post before I board my plane.  Me and all my pinky getup are ready to go!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

and the tick tock continues..

As time draws nearer to my departure, I'm beginning to feel more and more attached to everything here.  I have to admit, when I first had the idea to travel, it was because I don't want to be here.  I simply didn't think that I could live here with all the memories I've shared with him.  When shit hit the fan, I had to constantly tell myself "all I gotta do is make it thru this month" and every month I told myself the same thing.  But now that I'm finally really leaving, I'm beginning to be able to visualize how my life could be here, without him.  I'm beginning to see much beauty in this country (of course, I still dislike some stuff here, but that'll be the same anywhere).

So what is it?  Is it the fear of change?  Is it me rediscovering my sense of self?  Is it not wanting to leave my comfort zone?  Afraid of failure?  Hm... I think it's all of the above.

I know that what I'm going through might be nothing compared to what others have gone through, but to me this year has been such a whirlwind of downward spiral.  And seeing that I was able to make it through somewhat gave me a stronger sense of self.  Everybody kept saying that everything happens for a reason and that this might be an opportunity for something better.  I don't believe in any of those.  Things happen. That's it. There's no hidden meanings, no secret message I need to discover. It is what it is. It's the way you react to it is what makes the difference.  I could cry, sulk, ask the world "why" (all of which I've done), but that won't change anything.  Instead I could accept it.  Go with it.  Make the best out of it.  It's still sad. It's still painful.  But it works for me.

So now the clock is still ticking.  I'm hardly even packed.  So many things to do that I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed.  But I'm glad that I'm leaving now.  I'm leaving to explore other opportunities. Not to escape or run away.  I can see myself here, but I want to see what's out there.  Ready or not, the jet plane is leaving, and I'm gonna be in it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Happy Birthday Me :)

It's almost about one year since my last post.  Crazy how time flies.

About the same time last year, I was living a completely different life than the one that I'm living right now.  Neither are better or worse.  But around this time last year, I wouldn't ever have imagined my life to be the way it is right now.  Life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball.  One that's not anticipated/expected at all.   I think this year I've gone through more than I have in my whole life.  I should've made my life a reality TV show.  I swear, there's so much going on, I would've became a millionaire... haha Ok maybe not...

But in all honesty... this year's been crazy.  I've lost something that's very precious to me.  I thought I would never experience broken heart again, but there I was with my heart shattered.  For a while I didn't think that I could make it through, but the phrase "time will heal" actually has truth behind it.  I'm still going through constant ups and downs, but most of the time I'm quite alright.  I wanted to write in this blog, but I found the whole experience to be a bit too personal to share here.

Everything that I was planning on is now being put on hold.  Honey and Tea is now being kept in the back burner.  Maybe someday we'll restart it again... But for now, my focus is on me.  I'm switching this blog from a food/career journal to more of a personal one.  Soon I will be unsubscribing everyone.  If you still wanna follow my journey, you can re-subscribe. But I don't wanna fill up your inbox with rants about random stuff in my life that doesn't have anything to do with cakes/food/desserts.... :)

So... what's new?  Well for starters,  being single again means that I get to do anything and everything that I've always wanted to do.  I've done some, and next on the agenda are the big ones.  I've always wanted to go to Australia.  Always wanted to learn Japanese.  Always wanted to go to Bali.  So I'm pulling an "eat, pray, love" type of travel.  Ditching everything behind since there's really no reason to stay anymore, I'm going to go to Indonesia, then to Australia, and if all goes well, Japan.  Crazy, I know!  I'm freaking out and excited at the same time.  I'll be leaving on a jet plane at the end of this month, heading to my first destination: Jakarta, Indonesia.

Live life.  No regrets :).

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

To Hell and Back

First off, I have to say that I applaud my parents for raising me with so much love, care and tenderness. They did it so well that for my whole life... I have never been badly hurt.

This year, I have officially been through hell and back. Yes, I made it back. I wouldn't have written here if I haven't made it back :-).

The beauty of love is that, just like yin and yang, there are two sides of love. Love comes with ethereal happiness. And along with that, it also brings the possibility of excruciating pain that cannot be explained in words. I have experienced both sides of love.

As I stated at the beginning of this blog, I have not experienced much pain in my life. So needless to say, the past few months were the most painful time of my life. But guess what? The sayings are true. Time does heal. Surprisingly, and thankfully, time heals. There were times when I thought that everything was over. Done with. I was falling so deep that I did not even know if I could ever make it back up. I've never felt so alone.

Thankfully I was surrounded by very loving and supporting family and friends. Somehow I was able to pick up the pieces. With this experience, I realized that I was never whole as a person. I still haven't quite figured out who I am really.

So now, following the theme of this blog, I'm going to rediscover myself, "one step at a time".

The good, the bad, and the ugly. Whatever they might be :-).

Saturday, January 8, 2011

this blog is like a blank canvas to me now. i keep staring at the blank post, and i've no clue on what to write. it is now 2011. it's been one year since i made my leap of faith. ditched my previous career to pursue my dream, my passion, for baking. but now at the end of the year, i looked at my blog for archive of my achievements and all i saw was sparse posts with hardly any picture that shows accomplishments. while i see others posting on their blogs, one after another, more desserts, more cakes, more adventure... mine seems kinda... well... empty. even at the end of the year, i didn't even get to do my holiday baking. of course i baked at work, but that's work, and it's not the same.

so what have i done the last year? what have i accomplished?

i learned.

i learned about muscle memory. that i know when things are done right or wrong. my body knows when to stop mixing my cream. my eyes know when a cake batter is mix correctly or not.

and i learned about economy of movements. minimize your steps and keep your mise en place nearby.

i learned how to important it is to mise en place.

i learned that i know, my body knows, how to properly laminate croissant and puff pastry.

i learned that some people are arrogant. they think they know it all. and the louder they are, usually means the less they actually know.

i learned that there's so much more to learn.

now at the beginning of the new year, i'm starting to wonder, "what should i do next?". Cuz even after taking the leap of faith, i still don't feel content. i still want more, but I don't know what I want.

So we'll see...