Saturday, November 16, 2013

mirrors

"The world outside is a reflection of the world inside"

I always find life fascinating.  Sometimes it's harder to get thru certain things, and I feel like everything is coming down on me.  But one thing for sure is that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay.  I just have to keep believing in that.

The cliche phrases are "when one door closes, another opens" or "as you say goodbye to certain things, you open up room for other possibilities" or something like that.  Well, whatever it is... I let go of certain things. And somehow, other stuff started happening.  Unplanned.  They just... happen.

I wouldn't really call what I have as a toxic relationship... but it was... difficult.  I want to make it work so badly.  I still do.  But maybe it's not the right time yet.  Maybe there's a bigger plan.

But for now, the world outside is a reflection of the world inside.  I'm surrounded by positive energy and love.  And for now, I couldn't ask for more.

Friday, September 13, 2013

i'm a lil tomato

and I love this song :)



"Hang On Little Tomato"

The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

turn back time

If you could turn back time, would you?

I unintentionally scrolled thru some old pictures today.  It was a blast from the past.  Was pretty weird to see and I was kinda surprised to see how I felt seeing all those pictures.  There was definitely a sense of longing.  I never was unhappy with all the phases of my life.  So despite of all the difficult times, seeing all those pictures didn't make me feel sad.  Instead they made me feel...nostalgic.

Pictures of past travels with my ex reminded me of the simpler times.  I remember thinking that I must be very lucky to have him and never had to go through the heartache of breakups.  See where I'm at right now.  Totally unpredictable at that time.  Completely clueless.

Then seeing all the travels I've done solo made me think how fortunate I am to have been able to do that.  They also reminded me that there's so much I could do independently.  But then I also remember thinking that I wished I had somebody to travel with.  Traveling, or anything good for that matter, is always best shared. They also made me miss my family a lot..

And then I see pictures of my creations.  My cakes, my pastries, my sugar babies.  This one always hits me the most.  They puzzle me.  How did I come up with that?  How did I make that?  Can I still do that?  I wanna make them again.  But along with each and every one of them, there was a challenge.  There were always stress behind each and every cakes.

Interesting how life evolves and how things change, people comes and goes.  I remember reading books when I was a kid that ask you questions, and the story goes to different pages depending on the decisions you make.  The ending of the story changes based on which pages you go to.  Real life is kinda like that.  You're faced with life changing questions.  Decisions to make.  But in real life, there's really no turning back.  You can't really flip your pages back and go back and re-do everything.  And sometimes in life, it's really not up to you.  Sometimes you have no choice but to flip the page, let go, and move on.

I think in the grand scheme of thing, there's no need to go back, even if I could. Whatever decisions I've made in the past were based on certain considerations.  I tend to only remember the good things and forget all the bad.  So it's easy for me to think that it was better then than it is now.  But there were reasons why things didn't work out in the first place.

Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is mystery.  Today is a gift,  that's why they call it "present".  

I think I first heard that quote from kung fu panda :-p.

I have to say, right now life is a bit challenging.  But I'm staying positive.  The stars will be aligned again.  I'll figure it out :).


Sunday, June 30, 2013

forgetting

Sometimes it's so easy to be drawn in what's missing and forgetting what exists.

... no more.

Today, I'm thankful because..

- I get to dance.  Not just danced, but danced with my friends.  And I get to talked and catch up with them!  They make me smile :).
- I get to enjoyed my s.i.l's yummy cooking for lunch.
- I played with my niece & nephew.
- I get to LOLs with them watching some silly tv show.
- I played with a turtle.
- I get to make another batch of beautiful, sexy, croissants.


- I get to play with my roommie's adorable puppy
- And now I get to sleep :).

Thursday, June 20, 2013

it's always darkest before the dawn





I'm laughing at the irony of life :).

I'm learning, or more like I'm being reminded, that nothing excessive is ever good.  And nothing last forever.

Do you believe in "everything happens for a reason"?

It was easier to live carefree when I was traveling.  I guess it's because everything was temporary.  Living arrangement was temporary, work was temporary, even dating was temporary.  And it's almost as a defense mechanism, I've somehow trained my brain to see end lines in everything.  Yet now I'm realizing that ... hey.. this is kinda permanent.  There's no "leaving in six months" anymore.

I came back here.... and I RAN.  I ran with work.  The workaholic in me came back with a vengeance. Not just that, everything else came back with vengeances too.

Romance, health, expenses, one thing after another.  Life DOES NOT STOP.  I. need. a. break. . .

Things I wanted.  Things I wanted to proof.  To who?  The world?  My ex?  My crush?  My bosses?  I think in the end, it was all me.  Myself.  The biggest, meanest, bitchiest critique.  Yours truly.  Nothing is ever enough.

But then darkness happened.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulder.  And at that point I'm realizing that nothing really matters.  What's the point?  All the running back and forth, the chasing, the holding on, the letting go.  In the end, there are things I simply cannot control.

It takes darkness to show me that in the end, it was just me.

Love and affection.  Things that most take for granted.  Easily given, then taken away.

I had that before, the good morning and good night kisses, the "i love you"s that were real and sincere.

I asked myself, what am I looking for? Why am I holding on so tightly? Bending over backwards just to make a perfect picture on someone else's eye. At the end of the day, that's what I want the most.  I want all of it again.  I want love.  To give love.  Unconditionally.  And to be loved.  For who I am.  For the me that I'm finally starting to get know of.  The me that simply enjoy being under the sun, staring at the sky,  smiling at the trees and flowers.  Don't change me.  Don't tell me who I should be or how I should behave.

It takes a certain amount of darkness to make me stop.  To pause and questioned my own self.  Who am I and what do I want?

No straightforward answers yet... but honestly, I don't think anyone has it.

But I'm learning hard to truly let go.  Certain things eventually show their true colors in times of darkness.  Human nature will always put their "Me" first.  And maybe this is what it takes to see that some things truly wasn't meant to be.  No matter how much I wanted it, I can't force anyone or anything to go my way if it wasn't meant to be.

My fairy tale love story.  I still want it.  I'm still a hopeless romantic.  Can't change that :).  Despite of all the burns, the tears, the hurt, the rejection, the deception...despite of everything, I still believe in love.  Never regret for loving wholeheartedly.  I still want it.  That image is still vividly burned in my head.  The dream is still there.  The hopeless romantic still wants her fairy tale ending.

But until then... on with life.  Let's make some croissants :).

Saturday, May 25, 2013

misunderstood

last night i worked and cried.  i cried and worked.

i'm exhausted.  physically and mentally.

i'm tired of being lost.

i think nobody understand.  i am misunderstood.

when it comes to work, i rushed.  i pushed.

it's always "everything you can do, I can do better" and "stronger, faster, better".

why the rush? one might ask.  because of time.

nobody understand because there's this idea of putting in your time before you can get to your destination.  and i always say "i have no time".  that's why i push.  that's why I will be great in what I do in much less time than others, because I have to get there faster.  why? because I don't have nine years to spend in one place, I don't have 14 years of experience to accumulate.  I'm friggin 31 yrs old.  I started this career when I was 26/27?  Then I went thru a friggin divorce that turned my life upside down.  I was told by the ex that he never understood why it took me so long to start my own business, why i'm not aggressive and taking risk and just do it.

i wasn't ready.  i'm still not ready.

i want to get there faster.

but everyone misunderstood me.

so i cried.  but then i stopped crying.  because it doesn't matter.  everything will work out.  they always do.

"Empty your mind.  Be formless, shapeless.  Like water.  You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle.  You put in a teapot, it becomes the teapot.  Water can flow, or it can crash.  Be water, my friend!"  - Bruce Lee.

Friday, May 24, 2013

all in moderation

don't work too hard
don't play too much
don't try so hard
don't care too much
don't eat too much
don't eat too little
don't drink coffee too much
don't be too extreme
don't be too fluid
don't love too deep
don't hold on so hard

always be in the middle

all in moderation.

Monday, May 20, 2013

sunrise


i think i just hit a wall.

i think i just saw my sunrise.

i think i just remembered something that i have forgotten.

i think i am finally moving on.

i think the past two years is needed to recover.

i think all the guys that came into my life came for a reason.

to help me find who i am. 

i think it all came to a full circle now.

i think i'm back to being me. 

letting go of things i can't control.  living in the present.  embracing the future.

please remember this moment.

note to self

reminder... PLEASE:

* sleep
* eat [breakfast, lunch, dinner, fruits, veggies]
* balance
* be patient
* take a break

don't rush time.  impatient will kill you.  turn "impatient" into "i'm patient".

life will happen at the right time, at the right place.

past is history
future is mystery
stay in the present

breath.

one
step
at
a
time


funny coincidence, this got posted at purpose fairy's site around the same time i wrote this post.  hmm... :).

Friday, May 10, 2013

work-a-ho-lic...?


I have officially done every single shift in the world.

8:00am - 5:00pm at the UC [regular shift]
7:30am - 4:00pm pastry production at SFBI [regular shift]
4:00am - 3:00pm bread baker at SFBI and morning baker at Thorough bread [morning shift]
3:00am - 2:00pm pastry production at Sonoma Baking in Oz [early morning shift]
2:00am - 1:00pm pastry production at Sonoma [hellla early morning shift]
12:00am - 6:00am at b. [graveyard shift]
9:00pm - 7:00am at b. [graveyard shift]
2:00pm - 11:00pm at b. [late afternoon shift]

There isn't a time in a day that I have not worked on.



Thursday, May 2, 2013

the drama queen in me

...needs to stop being so... well.. dramatic :-p.


'kay... where to start.  Graveyard shift.  Pushing myself way, WAY, over the limit.  Sleep deprivation.  Poor eating habit.  [aww man!!] So many other things I could list here, but I'm not gonna bother.

Guess what happened after that?

Mood swing galore.  All the crazies resurfaced.  Just to name a few.... fear of change, the need for acceptance, fear of being alone.  Wow. [palmface]

Interesting that as I'm reading my own blog, I wondered "who is this person that seems to be figuring everything out in her life? And whatever happened to her?"

They say that not until you get lost that you will truly find yourself.  How long exactly does one suppose to be lost for??

I'm imbalance.  I played too hard, and now I work too hard.

I'm sorry me.  I'm sorry for all the lack of sleep.  I'm sorry that I forgot to BREATHE. :)

I love my job.  I love baking.

But I also love to dance.  I love my yoga practice.  I love my friends, my family. I love sleeping at night and waking up on a lazy sunday.  I love sunsets. I love sunrise.  I love blue skies.

I need to restore balance.   But most importantly, I need to sleep. [duh!]

Monday, April 1, 2013

things to remember


There are lots of quotes of wisdoms out there.  I, for one, would know because for the past few years I've been collecting them.  I have a book of quotes that I use from time to time to remind myself about the great wisdoms that others before me have figured out... like the secrets of live and how to manifest your dreams and how to maintain sanity when you're in the midst of insanity.

I traveled, I explored, I looked for inspirations and thought I've found balance.  I came back thinking that I'm ready to face reality.   The truth is that not until you're back in reality that you realize that most things are easier said than done.

"...the world outside is only the reflection of the world inside you"
It's all chaotic everywhere.  Like a whirlwind of confusion and chaos.  Going back and forth.  Not knowing what to do, where to go,  can't make up a decision.

"what doesn't kill you will only makes you stronger"
What's the limit to that?  I keep thinking that I need to keep going.  Need to get stronger, faster, better.  Then I hit a breaking point.  Being awake for 24 hours takes its toll.

And on the first page of my book, I wrote:
There's no rewriting life.

Live every moment.
Laugh every day.
Love beyond words.

Everything happens at the right time, at the right place.

One way or another, things will always work out.
And life will be good.  Let go, and let life.
Everything is going to be okay.

What's meant to be will always find its way.

Believe, don't let fear gets in the way,
and LET GO....

Some things are truly easier said than done...

Friday, March 15, 2013

my obsession

There's a saying that the thing that brings you most joy is also the thing that can bring you most misery.

As of recent, my obsession has been... the croissant.


Today is one of those days when things were just a tad crazy.  The proof box was running amok on me.  First when I turned it on, it tripped the circuit.  So I had to call my boss at 10 at night so he can reset the breaker.  Then it started overheating.  All the other boxes were taken, so I had no choice but to stick to this one. I kept lowering the temp but it's got a mind of its own and kept going up on me.  When I had to put my babies in, it was going steady at 31C, which is not ideal... but could work.  When I checked it again, it was at 33C.  I had to lower it somehow.  Switched it down to 21C and lowered the humidity, and it still registered 33C on the panel.  I was like "dude! my butter is gonna melt!".  I had to lower the temperature.  I opened the door and left it while I worked on my kouign-amann.  Went back 30-40 minutes later, opened the proofer's door, and I swear, I was about to cry.  My croissants were all dried up, butter somewhat melted that you could see the layers,  they looked fucked up. All 11 trays of them.  All 130 something that I laminated and shaped with TLC.  Waaaaaaaaa.... 

I'm telling you.  My days in the kitchen are always filled with excitements and ups and downs.... I love what I do and it matters that I make good stuff.  Mediocrity is just unacceptable.  That's why I take things personally.  And that's why I do cry over pastries that don't come out the way I want them to.

But today, luckily, wasn't a day to cry. 

They're borderline acceptable. The shape got distorted some, but they weren't fucked up.  Considering the stress I went thru, it could be worse.  

All in a days work :).

Tomorrow will be another adventure ;).

Monday, March 4, 2013

happy is the person who does what she love

Be careful what you wished for, you might just get it :).


I remember just about a month ago, I was working 5-6 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I was thinking "I want to work more".  And now, three weeks after the patisserie opens,  I sleep for an average of 5 hours a day.  I've collected more battle scars.  My body is aching.  But none of those matters.   Because I'm doing what I love.  And I'm happy.

"choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" - Confucius

I feel very lucky and thankful.

Now if only my personal life is as clear as my career haha :-p.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

kouign-amann



This is the kouign-amann (read: queen-aman).  It's like croissants on cracks.  Making it is just as fun as making croissants.  Nothing is quite as beautiful as properly laminated dough, whether it's croissants, puff, or now.. the kouign-amann.  They're just so... sexy.

The thing about kouign-amann is that it's basically sugar caramelized between the layers of butter and dough.  It ends up being this crunch, sweet, and slightly salty pastry...

But before it gets all nice and crunchy, it is... caramelized sugar between layers of butter and dough...that has to be unmolded immediately upon coming out of the oven.  Funny thing about the human body, it has the ability to adapt to different climate.  If you live in a tropical country, you'll have higher tolerance to heat and humidity.  If you live in a cold country, you'll have more tolerance to cold weather.  So expose your fingers enough to the heat, eventually you'll get somewhat numb.  It's not that there's no feelings, it's just a higher tolerance to heat. It's quite amazing, really, what the human body can do... 

I wonder if it works the same with heart.  If you exposed it to enough heartache, will it eventually be numb?



Saturday, February 2, 2013

When the stars are aligned



I must be on the right path.  I can feel it.

Everything in my life has been in transition.  I'm in the midst of change.  And I'm beginning to embrace that concept.

The more I let go, the more I understand that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay.  Life has a funny way of working things out.

There are certain things that I really, REALLY, really want to come true.  But life threw a curve ball and I have learned to accept that I don't always get what I want.  But, the truth is, instead I get what I need.

Things don't always work out.  They are not within my control.  But when shit hits the fan, there are those who lend a hand.  Those who give a warm embrace. They are the most special.  And I thank you :).

So now I'm reminding myself to move forward.

The stars are aligned.  I've found my happy place again.  A place where pretty little things are made. Burned, bruised, and scarred.  All my battle scars are the evidence that I've made it through, and I will always make it through whatever else might come.




I'm happy to bake again.  I remember this feeling.  The one I thought I've lost.  It's good to be back.

Even with all this chaos within me, somehow I think I'm gonna be alright.

dream manifestation


To witness somebody's dream coming true is pretty amazing.  To be involved in the process of manifesting that dream is even more extraordinary.

Great things are happening :).

Thursday, January 31, 2013

mind games

Half asleep, I thought I saw my wish coming true.

My heart skipped a beat; a smile on my face; and involuntary reaction.  Seconds passed and I realized that it was just a dream between slumber and reality.

And I wake.  There was nothing.  Everything still remains.

All this from a text message.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

try



"Try"

Ever wonder about what he's doing [What are you doing?]
How it all turned to lies [Has it all always been a lie?]
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why [Why?]

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned [I got burned]
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die [But I'm not gonna die]
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try [I'm gonna get up and try]
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceived
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy? [Why do I fall in love so easily?]
Even when it's not right [Even when I know it's just not right]

Where there is desire [there is desire]
There is gonna be a flame [there is flame]
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned [I did]
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die [I'm not gonna die]
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try [I'm gonna get up]
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try [somehow]
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Ever worry that it might be ruined [I think it is ruined]
And does it make you wanna cry? [I cried]
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by? [When I stopped, you're everywhere]
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by [So I kept going]

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Monday, January 14, 2013

laughing at the irony of life

hated fremont for years when i was living here with the ex.  wanting so much to live in a city.

now i live in sf, and frequently driving back to fremont because i miss the peacefulness and laid back-ness.

wanting so much to be a "pastry chef".  now that i work with a bunch of pastry chefs, i'm realizing that i'm more of a baker and i love being one.

once somebody told me that he could not live without me and that i should never leave him.  then he left me for no apparent reasons.

live keeps on changing.  you never know what's coming.  and you're changing too.

live waits for no one.  do what makes you happy.  and do it now.  cuz by tomorrow, you might not want it anymore.

Friday, January 11, 2013

to let go

I needed to see this this morning...


LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means  the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,  but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to FEAR LESS and LOVE MORE.
Remember:  THE TIME TO LOVE IS SHORT. ~Author Unknown
Excerpt from Purpose Fairy's site

I know that I need to learn to let go, but some things are harder to let go than others.  I guess maybe letting go takes time.  

Whatever come what may.  What's meant to be will always find its way.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

2013 - year of change :)

Totally stealing that line from somebody :-p.  But yes, 2013 is gonna be the year of change ;).

Lotsa things reminded me last year that I need to really let go.  Things were a bit out of whack since I came back.  Winter just really wasn't my season, and I got into this funk filled with mood swings and discontentment.  Of course then the law of attraction comes to play.... my negative attitude attracts more bad things.