Saturday, May 25, 2013


last night i worked and cried.  i cried and worked.

i'm exhausted.  physically and mentally.

i'm tired of being lost.

i think nobody understand.  i am misunderstood.

when it comes to work, i rushed.  i pushed.

it's always "everything you can do, I can do better" and "stronger, faster, better".

why the rush? one might ask.  because of time.

nobody understand because there's this idea of putting in your time before you can get to your destination.  and i always say "i have no time".  that's why i push.  that's why I will be great in what I do in much less time than others, because I have to get there faster.  why? because I don't have nine years to spend in one place, I don't have 14 years of experience to accumulate.  I'm friggin 31 yrs old.  I started this career when I was 26/27?  Then I went thru a friggin divorce that turned my life upside down.  I was told by the ex that he never understood why it took me so long to start my own business, why i'm not aggressive and taking risk and just do it.

i wasn't ready.  i'm still not ready.

i want to get there faster.

but everyone misunderstood me.

so i cried.  but then i stopped crying.  because it doesn't matter.  everything will work out.  they always do.

"Empty your mind.  Be formless, shapeless.  Like water.  You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle.  You put in a teapot, it becomes the teapot.  Water can flow, or it can crash.  Be water, my friend!"  - Bruce Lee.

Friday, May 24, 2013

all in moderation

don't work too hard
don't play too much
don't try so hard
don't care too much
don't eat too much
don't eat too little
don't drink coffee too much
don't be too extreme
don't be too fluid
don't love too deep
don't hold on so hard

always be in the middle

all in moderation.

Monday, May 20, 2013


i think i just hit a wall.

i think i just saw my sunrise.

i think i just remembered something that i have forgotten.

i think i am finally moving on.

i think the past two years is needed to recover.

i think all the guys that came into my life came for a reason.

to help me find who i am. 

i think it all came to a full circle now.

i think i'm back to being me. 

letting go of things i can't control.  living in the present.  embracing the future.

please remember this moment.

note to self

reminder... PLEASE:

* sleep
* eat [breakfast, lunch, dinner, fruits, veggies]
* balance
* be patient
* take a break

don't rush time.  impatient will kill you.  turn "impatient" into "i'm patient".

life will happen at the right time, at the right place.

past is history
future is mystery
stay in the present



funny coincidence, this got posted at purpose fairy's site around the same time i wrote this post.  hmm... :).

Friday, May 10, 2013


I have officially done every single shift in the world.

8:00am - 5:00pm at the UC [regular shift]
7:30am - 4:00pm pastry production at SFBI [regular shift]
4:00am - 3:00pm bread baker at SFBI and morning baker at Thorough bread [morning shift]
3:00am - 2:00pm pastry production at Sonoma Baking in Oz [early morning shift]
2:00am - 1:00pm pastry production at Sonoma [hellla early morning shift]
12:00am - 6:00am at b. [graveyard shift]
9:00pm - 7:00am at b. [graveyard shift]
2:00pm - 11:00pm at b. [late afternoon shift]

There isn't a time in a day that I have not worked on.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

the drama queen in me

...needs to stop being so... well.. dramatic :-p.

'kay... where to start.  Graveyard shift.  Pushing myself way, WAY, over the limit.  Sleep deprivation.  Poor eating habit.  [aww man!!] So many other things I could list here, but I'm not gonna bother.

Guess what happened after that?

Mood swing galore.  All the crazies resurfaced.  Just to name a few.... fear of change, the need for acceptance, fear of being alone.  Wow. [palmface]

Interesting that as I'm reading my own blog, I wondered "who is this person that seems to be figuring everything out in her life? And whatever happened to her?"

They say that not until you get lost that you will truly find yourself.  How long exactly does one suppose to be lost for??

I'm imbalance.  I played too hard, and now I work too hard.

I'm sorry me.  I'm sorry for all the lack of sleep.  I'm sorry that I forgot to BREATHE. :)

I love my job.  I love baking.

But I also love to dance.  I love my yoga practice.  I love my friends, my family. I love sleeping at night and waking up on a lazy sunday.  I love sunsets. I love sunrise.  I love blue skies.

I need to restore balance.   But most importantly, I need to sleep. [duh!]