Sunday, June 30, 2013

forgetting

Sometimes it's so easy to be drawn in what's missing and forgetting what exists.

... no more.

Today, I'm thankful because..

- I get to dance.  Not just danced, but danced with my friends.  And I get to talked and catch up with them!  They make me smile :).
- I get to enjoyed my s.i.l's yummy cooking for lunch.
- I played with my niece & nephew.
- I get to LOLs with them watching some silly tv show.
- I played with a turtle.
- I get to make another batch of beautiful, sexy, croissants.


- I get to play with my roommie's adorable puppy
- And now I get to sleep :).

Thursday, June 20, 2013

it's always darkest before the dawn





I'm laughing at the irony of life :).

I'm learning, or more like I'm being reminded, that nothing excessive is ever good.  And nothing last forever.

Do you believe in "everything happens for a reason"?

It was easier to live carefree when I was traveling.  I guess it's because everything was temporary.  Living arrangement was temporary, work was temporary, even dating was temporary.  And it's almost as a defense mechanism, I've somehow trained my brain to see end lines in everything.  Yet now I'm realizing that ... hey.. this is kinda permanent.  There's no "leaving in six months" anymore.

I came back here.... and I RAN.  I ran with work.  The workaholic in me came back with a vengeance. Not just that, everything else came back with vengeances too.

Romance, health, expenses, one thing after another.  Life DOES NOT STOP.  I. need. a. break. . .

Things I wanted.  Things I wanted to proof.  To who?  The world?  My ex?  My crush?  My bosses?  I think in the end, it was all me.  Myself.  The biggest, meanest, bitchiest critique.  Yours truly.  Nothing is ever enough.

But then darkness happened.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulder.  And at that point I'm realizing that nothing really matters.  What's the point?  All the running back and forth, the chasing, the holding on, the letting go.  In the end, there are things I simply cannot control.

It takes darkness to show me that in the end, it was just me.

Love and affection.  Things that most take for granted.  Easily given, then taken away.

I had that before, the good morning and good night kisses, the "i love you"s that were real and sincere.

I asked myself, what am I looking for? Why am I holding on so tightly? Bending over backwards just to make a perfect picture on someone else's eye. At the end of the day, that's what I want the most.  I want all of it again.  I want love.  To give love.  Unconditionally.  And to be loved.  For who I am.  For the me that I'm finally starting to get know of.  The me that simply enjoy being under the sun, staring at the sky,  smiling at the trees and flowers.  Don't change me.  Don't tell me who I should be or how I should behave.

It takes a certain amount of darkness to make me stop.  To pause and questioned my own self.  Who am I and what do I want?

No straightforward answers yet... but honestly, I don't think anyone has it.

But I'm learning hard to truly let go.  Certain things eventually show their true colors in times of darkness.  Human nature will always put their "Me" first.  And maybe this is what it takes to see that some things truly wasn't meant to be.  No matter how much I wanted it, I can't force anyone or anything to go my way if it wasn't meant to be.

My fairy tale love story.  I still want it.  I'm still a hopeless romantic.  Can't change that :).  Despite of all the burns, the tears, the hurt, the rejection, the deception...despite of everything, I still believe in love.  Never regret for loving wholeheartedly.  I still want it.  That image is still vividly burned in my head.  The dream is still there.  The hopeless romantic still wants her fairy tale ending.

But until then... on with life.  Let's make some croissants :).